Monday, 23 February 2009

They are watching

They are putting cameras into our electrical goods, so just bare this in mind next time your girlfriend/mother goes out and you decide to put on her underwear, cover your dick in peanut butter, place it in your golden retrievers mouth and stick a wooden spoon up your ass (wood is generally not a good material for ass dildos, because no matter how much you clean it after use, some germs can live within the grains of the wood. It's a similar principle to why glass chopping boards are better than wooden ones).

Talking of wooden spoons. In my university days i had this girl back to mine (asian, just for the mental picture). We were both pretty fucked after a night out so obviously her boundaries were coming down and whilst we were getting down to business she announced that she wanted something in her ass. In this case a finger just wouldn't suffice, she wanted some kind of deeper penetration, so i frantically searched the flat for anything i could use as a dildo. Bottles are no good as they can create a vacuum whilst inserted and then become lodged within the anal canal itself. So i went searching in the kitchen utensil drawer. The first thing that caught my eye was my flatmates wooden spoon, i worked out in my head that if i bummed her with the handle part, the main spoon piece would act as a make shift butt plug, preventing her ass from entirely swallowing the whole thing up (this can happen, google it). O.K it wasn't MY wooden spoon but at this point in time i really didn't give a fuck about ownership.
Anyway after the deed was done i put the wooden spoon in the top drawer of the desk in my room and pretty much forgot about the whole sordid episode. I left that wooden spoon unwashed in my top drawer for the entire year i was in those halls of residence. On many occasion there were up to roughly eight stoned and drunk fellow students/class mates in my room at a time, including the unfortunate young chap who had been wondering where the fuck his wooden spoon had disappeared to. Every time i had a room full of people, maybe one of them sitting on top of the desk with the spoon in it, it would suddenly occur to me that if one of them were to open that drawer and glance upon the shit stained stiring device, my life would basically be over.

A.) I shouldn't have stolen the guys wooden spoon to begin with. That's bad enough. B.) I should never have taken that theft a step further and placed the spoon into anybodies anal cavity. C.) How the fuck would i convince an entire room full of shocked and disgusted people that i had not used the spoon to sodomise myself senseless and it wasn't my shit ingrained onto the handle.
Thank whoever fucking created this earth that nobody opened that top drawer, (just like the top drawer in Alan Partridge's travel lodge hotel room). These are the kind of risks i live with on a day to day basis.


Martorialist said...

Or C.) You should've held a soiree where you served up melted chocolate in a bowl to a guest you didn't particularly like via the shitty wooden spoon.

Did you keep the spoon as wank-material to remind you of an excellent evening?

Conroy said...

no ha ha, i just sort of forgot to throw it away, rather than intentionaly kept it, honest.

It could have been worse, i could have just stuck it back in the kitchen and let everybody stir up their spagbols with it