Sunday, 31 August 2008


I just came up with this strange conundrum last night along with some friends, so i thought I'd share it with you. Imagine a simple, humble, gypsy princess like the one above came to you in the night offering you a selection of psychic superpowers. The question is which power would you choose? You may well be thinking 'this fucking ridiculous, pathetic, immature game is so beneath me', but i guarantee you will be deciding which superpower you want secretly in your own head. Please leave your answers in the comments with a full in depth description of why you chose that particular option, thanks.
Which psychic superpower would you have and why?

Option 1:

This option is the ability to know the identity of every single person who has ever masturbated to the thought of you in any way shape or form. This would be a great power, you would instantly find out every person who'd ever been attracted to you. It would work like an Internet hit counter, so you'd get the full statistics in your head, who they were, the date it happened and the details of the fantasy and how they brought themselves off (also weather or not they felt guilt, regret or a sense of well being afterwards). It would also continue to work for the rest of your life. So you'd find out who was wanking over you as it happened. In real time as they say. Don't worry, you could put it on silent like a mobile phone when you want to go to sleep and just check the stats in the morning. The downside of this power is obviously the fact that you might find out your dad was beating over the thought of you on a regular basis, so that's a risk you'd have to be willing to take.

Option 2:

This option is probably going to appeal more to males, as i find they tend to be a more visually driven creature than females. The second super-power is basically x-ray vision, but you can only use it once a day. So you can choose one person a day who falls directly within your field of vision to see fully naked. You get to capture that image in your mind like downloading a jpg from the Internet, so you can recall it any time. It only works if you can see the 'victim' in front of you in real life. You can't just go using it on TV or magazines or the Internet, sorry.
Option 3:
In a similar way to the option above you can choose one person per day, but this time you get to see exactly what they think of you. So it could be somebody you pass on the street, or sit next to on the train, or maybe even family and friends. You get to read their mind and get a full report of their opinion on you. You may have often wondered 'do people think I'm a cunt just because of the way i do my hair?', now you can find out the answer. You could even find out some weird information about yourself that you never knew, like the fact that you stink of chlorine or just wear your jeans slightly too high for your own good. Or on the other hand, you may find out that somebody is attracted to you or thinks that your shoes are cool and they wonder where you got them. So it could either make you, or destroy you every time.

I think I'd probably go with option 2 if I'm honest, i don't think i could handle the others.

Saturday, 30 August 2008

Double take

I love 'professional' celebrity lookalikes. I don't really know if it's as bad world wide, but here in the UK they are seriously shit. I find the people who do this as a profession slightly disturbing and fascinating in equal measures. They are often obsessed with the celebrity they think they look like and grow to almost believe they sort of are that person. When i first see them standing there with a smug beaming smile, drinking in the attention from the onlookers, proudly thrusting their resemblance to someone famous in our faces, i cant help but hate them slightly. I sometimes find it slightly uncomfortable to look at them. To me they usually just resemble their celebrity doppelganger after the effects of a wasting disease or a drug addiction. It's almost like a really weird performance art where we are reminded about the dangers of AIDS, Cancer and various other afflictions.

These are actual celebrity lookalikes that you can book for appearances now. They are all from the same agency. Who are they? I was going to do one of those 'find out after the jump' things but i don't have the skills. So the answers are below.











1. Fifty cent.

2. Jean Claude Van Damme

3. Kelly Osbourne

4. Phill Collins

5. Kate Moss

6. Beyonce

7. Freddy Mercury

8. P diddles

9. David Hasselhoff

10. Craig David

11. Amy Winehouse

12. Bono

13. Ja rule

p.s they have a John Leslie of sex pest fame lookalike, surely he can't be getting much work.

Friday, 29 August 2008


I have a thing for Cotton, the blond girl on the left from Pink Falmingos (not Divine) . I want a poster of her.

Visualising sound

You know how when you hear a new song for the first time, you get a kind of vision of what the singer must look like in your head? Take for example the first time you heard The Gossip's 'standing in the way of control', before it was played to death. You must surely have got an image of a young raven haired seductress with one hell of a voice, unsuited to her slender frame. Then you were all shocked when you found out it was actually being sung by the 'unconventional beauty', Beth Ditto. But you still had those sexual images from before rattling around in your brain. You can't just wipe them out, so now you can't help but find Beth Ditto strangely attractive.
Well i had the same kind of experience with the song ''I'm not a juvenile delinquent'' by Frankie Lymon and the Teenagers. I first heard it in the John Waters film Pink Flamingos, so it was already linked to some pretty fucked up shit anyway. I loved the song, and the singer's voice. I spent ages trying to track it down so when i finally got my hands on it, i appreciated it all the more. I used to blast it on my mp3 player all the time and it would conjure up images of the female singer being a fine young 1950's temptress who basically looked like Fred Flintstone's wife. I'd been going on like this, having all kinds of 50's sex visions in my head to this song for about 3 years. Then i did a youtube search, eagerly anticipating my first sighting of what Frankie Lymon actually looked like. Imagine my horror when i found out she was actually a 13 year old boy.

Frankie can be a woman's name.

Wednesday, 27 August 2008

Had to post this video...

This is the only decent black eyed peas related thing i have ever seen. Why don't they make this the new x-factor/pop idol or whatever they are calling it? That program is so shit my eyes can barely even see it. What we really want is girls getting wasted and competing to do the most ridiculous shit possible. That would be slightly less exploitation than the current repetitive performance of Simon Cowell laughing at mildly disabled people trying to sing. Give us some better programs like 'crunk warz'. The world is so shit sometimes i hate it.

Dark side hotel

Check out all the links here aswell...

Bum sex, 1984 style.

In no less than 500 words, describe in full, the similarities between gay anal sex and George Orwell's Classic novel 1984.

I'm a proud straight male struggling to survive in the midst of modern society. If i was gay i probably wouldn't be into bumming (anal), but at the same time i wouldn't give a fuck what anyone else was up to. It always fascinates me how people can become so aggressively set in their ways when it comes to sexual preference. I'm talking about people of all sexualities. Whether gay, bi, tri or an Asexual wankaholic (they must exist), folk will often get so fixated on the activities they enjoy that they develop a kind of hatred for all other sexual practises, or maybe one practise in particular. You know what I'm talking about, any boy or girl who openly admits in public that they enjoy giving head will have been dissed for it at least once by some uptight little shit head. Well that is all light hearted mockery and what not, but this guy takes it to the next level. He's comparing the prevalence of bum sex amongst gay males to an Orwellian police state. He seems furiously determined to promote frot sex, or in other words cock-rubbing. Actually if I'm honest with myself, i'd probably be a cock 2 cock lover if i was gay, minus the wrestling/combat sport element.

By the way the link might be a bit strong for some readers who think they might turn gay if they see men fuck each other, or a close up of a bum-hole or something. But if you can handle that read on...


Monday, 25 August 2008

Action International Pictures

Here is some AIP madness for you, some of the most ridiculous trailers i have seen. This production company seems to have just about every action film sub genre covered. Horror, extreme sports, hip hop, baby selling rings, 'kick fighting', taxi dancing, euthanasia networks, the list is endless. Also they seem to use a lot of the same actors in every film so it's quite good fun trying to spot the fat guy with the beard and various other characters in each one. It seems as if they just couldn't resist packing as much action into each trailer as humanly, physically possible, so some times they accidentally gave away practically the entire story line including the ending. I just can't believe Gary Busey never popped up in any of these trailers. I think they should release a box set, can someone with connections please start a campaign to get it released, thanks.

They have a film called... 'COLD HEAT'.

The Satan killer

''Widowed, alcoholic cop teams up with an old private detective to catch a laughing serial killer who rides Harleys''
Does he look up at the end and complain to Satan, ''You never phoned me''?? Maybe i heard him wrong?

Maximum Breakout

''Newborn babies sold to the highest bidder.''

Taxi Dancers

''You know i can afford you!''
''Not emotionally''
I love how the guy from Predator is in this.


I can't quite figure out what this guy is seeking revenge for.

Street Hitz

'Let's put a Z on the end of hits. Yeah that will be cool'

White Fury

That ginger guy has got a pony tail hanging out the back if you pay attention.

Terror in Beverly Hills

I love the way Frank Stallone punches with open hands in this clip, he probably thought that was his unique selling point. If i'd seen this as a kid i would have definitely used that technique on the playground.

Last of the warriors

There had to be a post apocalyptic one.

Shredder Orpheus

Skateboards from hell.


''We now own you''

Escape from survival zone

Catchy name.

Rapid Fire

I love the way they flash a shot of a girl in underwear with no context just to show they've thought of everything.

I could go on for ever, but you probably get the idea.

Sunday, 24 August 2008

Camilla d'Errico

This painting is sold, so you can't have it. But check out the rest of the work.


Greedy Nigger boy

Believe it or not, this isn't even the most ridiculous item in the top ten list of racist toys.
Greedy. Nigger. Boy.

I love to imagine some fucked up little kid having this on their shelf in the olden days.


Phone sex

Some guy has got a load of phonesex operators to allow him into their homes to interview them about their experiences of bringing people off over the phone on a daily basis. Then he has taken a snap of the operators in their home (which is also often their work environment) and put it all in a little book for us to read. Great idea, i wish i'd thought of it first.


Saturday, 23 August 2008

Adding and subtracting

Surely this has to be fake, some kind of viral advertising campaign for some annoying product i don't really understand. This guy has had his twin brother's arm transplanted onto his chest in the name of art. Can somebody more inteligent than me please go and work this out and tell me waht's going on because i can't be bothered. Thanks.


Surely someone must have a rich Dad.

Who wants to go halves with me on this? This beast has been on eBay for at least a fucking year, just teasing me, tempting me to sell everything i own and buy it. I know it looks ridiculous, but i don't give a fuck, you have to get past that and use your imagination. If you have one. What i want to do is get this thing, travel around Europe picking up naive art student girls looking for money to buy paint and stuff. Invite them into the van and have an all out party, take some artistic nudes and maybe produce a DVD compilation of them dancing in their underwear to death metal and hip hop. Maybe if i tell them it is going to appear in some cool art magazine or get them 'crunk' they might even do it for free? I don't mean to sound like some kind of Pied Piper/Satan character, i actually want to do this for art, photography and film making purposes, i swear on your mums life. I would have to totally gut the van out, make some more room inside, maybe get a pole fitted, a disco ball obviously. I would also possibly paint it black and get a chrome skull fitted on the front. It would need a name, here are my choices so far.

The Thing.

Nightbreed. (as in the Clive Barker film)


I would greet any other suggestions you may have with open arms. Thanks.

In all honesty i would actually like to do this as a serious art project, photographing the landscape and also the van amongst various different scenery. Imagine that thing driving through the ghettos of Russia. Then i would release a book of the entire project or maybe just a website cataloguing the journey and the mixture of crazy parties and artistic photography of semi naked indie-rock chicks who had accompanied us in the back of our funbus.

If you don't want to do this with me, then you are an idiot.

Thursday, 21 August 2008


I have enjoyed posting here, i was recently injured in a car accident and i have been keeping this page to amuse myself, now i am more or less healed, thankyou for reading...

Black Velvet Painting

This is probably something really obvious which i didn't know about, but i just heard about this black velvet painting.

They do custom pieces, so I'm probably going to get me one of Traci Lords or something...


Do i know you?

Let's get physical

I haven't watched no Olympics yet...

I use to live with this guy who was obsessed with Van Damme. He use to watch the scene in Death Warrant where Van Damme does a flying roundhouse kick on frame by frame slow-mo on his VHS player. When it got to the point when Van Dammes fully ripped naked back was facing the camera, he would fully pause it, turn and look at me and say 'you can't tell me you wouldn't want to look like that?'
I once caught him in the Kitchen practising flying roundhouse kicks.

Here is some kind of Russian Van Damme site, they have some treasures there.


Wednesday, 20 August 2008

The top 10 prison films....ever.

OK here is my top ten favourite prison films (that i can remember seeing in my life so far). If anybody knows of any other good prison themed films, please suggest them in the comments section as i am always hungry for more. Thanks

10. OZ
The HBO series. I have to put this at number 10 because it's not a film. But you do watch it on a TV and it's my list so it's going in. This is possibly my favourite TV series ever. It's like a soap opera that takes place in prison. But unlike Eastenders people get bummed and murdered each week. It puts prison break to shame, You need to see it.

9. Fortress
The highlander (Christopher Lambert) trapped in a futuristic underground prison for daring to have a second child. This film makes it into the list firstly because it adds a futuristic twist, secondly because you don't have to think whilst watching it and thirdly because i agree that you should be put into an underground maximum security unit from the future if you dare to have a second child.

8. Escape from New York
Kurt Russel trying to action hero his way out of Manhattan Island, which has become a maximum security prison. This is not strictly in keeping with the normal prison film rules, as it's more of an all out action film which happens to take place on a prison island. But i put it in here for variety on the theme and of course because Kurt Russel is such a bad ass.

7. Death warrant
Possibly my favourite Van Damme film. I was raised on ridiculous action films, so to this day, they are a guilty pleasure of mine. A prison film, merged with a martial arts film, with Van Damme, some transvestite inmates and the Sandman. What's not to like?

6. one flew over the cuckoos nest.
Not strictly a prison film as such, but the mental hospital definitely has the right feel and all the good elements of a prison film are there. This is such a well known cliche of a film, you don't expect it to be anywhere near as good as it actually is.

5. Blood in Blood out (also known as Bound by Honour)
This is a serious rare epic telling the stories of three relatives who start out in an LA street gang, following their lives through dramatic intertwining journeys. I first saw this when i was about 10, it was quite hard to get hold of for a while and i almost forgot about it, but then i heard a few rappers referencing it in their lyrics so i looked it up again.

4. Scum
Ray Winston in prison beating the shit out of people. That's all you need to know.

3. Shawshank Redemption
Obvious choice, but still an epic classic. I would say Morgan Freeman's best film. It's basically a tale of great friendship between the two main characters. It has more or less every element you need in a good prison film. A naive guy walking in not knowing what to expect, conflicts between guards and inmates, unlikely friendships between two individuals, beatings/rapings, revenge for those beatings/rapings, escape attempts and strange or unusual inmates.

2.In the name of the father
Daniel Day Lewis is one of the best actors around, so you immediately know this is going to be good. Based on the true life story of the Guildford Four, in the name of the father tells the story of four people falsely convicted of the IRA's Guildford pub bombing. They serve 30 years or something for a crime they didn't commit. Its hard to watch a film about people being so tragically dealt out and not be affected by it.

1. Carandiru
The story of the Carandiru Penitentiary, the biggest most fucked up prison in Latin America. This is like City of God in Prison, i can't explain how good it is. There are so many colourful characters in this film, it's all told through the eyes of some AIDS doctor. You have to see this film. I would put this in my top 10 of all films. It's got subtitles, so don't watch it if you can't read.

Tuesday, 19 August 2008

Jacob Miller

Prison Fetish

Any body who is a keen reader of this blog, anybody who pays attention or tries to get inside my mind to find out what I'm all about or spends an afternoon following me round town and watches me go into burger king to see what kind of stuff i like to order will know, i have an obsession with prisons. I'm so dedicated to my obsession i ordered the OZ box set containing all six series from ebay Hong Kong (yeah even series six where it went all shit and the guy got eyes tattooed on the back of his head). That set cost me about £80 or something and it sits with pride of place on my book shelf. But anyway i don't know why i love prisons so much, they just seem like some fucked up parallel universe which we don't really get to see in our everyday lives. I am interested in any kind of secret worlds which as normal folk we don't really know that much about like prisons or gypsy communities.

I'm going to upload this prison documentary for you...

Monday, 18 August 2008

Ren & Stimpy

Just wanted to know, does anybody know what I'm talking about when i say 'the close ups in Ren & Stimpy'. People always use to ask me, 'do you watch Ren & Stimpy?' And i use to reply 'yes i love the close ups'. And they use to look at me as if i had answered them in pig Latin.

In fact i use to watch the cartoon waiting eagerly for these close ups. A freeze frame in graphic detail, they were beautifully illustrated. I've had trouble finding any examples online and this picture isn't exactly what I'm talking about. I will only truly be happy when i have a set of these close ups printed on thick card almost like coasters presented to me in a metal collectors tin. That is a product which should be made available.

Wish you were here?

Just thought I'd share this exotic postcard i picked up on holiday in Thailand earlier this year. Beaches there are really nice as you can see and the girls are friendly.


Sometimes, i hope it doesn't exist...